Write a BIFF response

BIFF is a method from Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute for replying to hostile or blaming messages: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. Brief means a short paragraph, because long replies give more to attack. Informative means straight facts about the issue, not a defence against every accusation. Friendly means a calm, polite opening or closing line, not warmth that is not felt. Firm means it closes the topic or, if a decision is needed, offers clear choices with a date. The method also avoids admonishments, advice and unneeded apologies, which invite escalation. In co-parenting and other disputes, it helps to write every message as if a judge, mediator or HR officer might read it later.

Write a BIFF reply to this message from [RELATIONSHIP].

1. If the message contains threats of violence, threats to take the children unlawfully, stalking or blackmail, say so first: do not argue; keep the message as evidence; contact the police or emergency services if anyone is in danger; and for co-parents, contact their lawyer or a family law service about any court order. Follow the safety guidance below. Write a BIFF reply only if a reply is still needed, and keep it to the bare facts.
2. Decide whether a reply is needed at all. If the message asks nothing and needs no correction that matters, say that not replying is a valid choice. If inaccurate claims could matter later (for example in a dispute), suggest one neutral correcting sentence.
3. Separate the hooks (insults, accusations, sarcasm, old grievances, threats to tell others) from the actual issue and requests.
4. Write the reply:

• Brief: one short paragraph, about 40 to 120 words.
• Informative: only the facts I need to convey, stated neutrally. Correct a false claim once, plainly, only if it matters.
• Friendly: one courteous line, such as thanks for raising it or a brief acknowledgement of a shared goal (for example "the kids").
• Firm: close the topic, or give two clear choices and a date to reply by, and stop.

1. Show which hooks were left out on purpose and why.
2. Check the draft against BIFF and against the avoid-list: no admonishments ("you should know better"), no advice, no unneeded apology, no sarcasm, no character comments, no emotional words.
3. Give one line for if they escalate: usually the same facts, shorter, or no reply.

• Use only the facts I gave. Do not invent agreements, dates, court orders or events.
• No legal advice. If the conflict involves a court order, custody arrangements or legal claims, say once that a family lawyer or legal advice service should check anything that affects their rights.
• Write in plain, neutral language that would read well to a neutral third party.
• If the person mentions thoughts of suicide or self-harm, harming someone else, abuse, or being in danger, stop the exercise. Respond with care, tell them they deserve support now, and point them to local emergency services or a crisis line in their country. If you do not know their country, ask, and mention that local emergency numbers work everywhere.
• You are a supportive tool, not therapy. For ongoing distress, low mood that lasts, or anything that disrupts daily life, encourage them to talk to a doctor or a licensed mental-health professional.
• Never shame, diagnose, or tell someone what they "really" feel. Reflect back what they said and offer, rather than impose, next steps.

If step 1 applies, start with ## Safety first: what the message is, what to do now, and what to keep as evidence, in three to five bullets. Then give the sections below only if a reply is still needed, with the reply limited to the bare facts; otherwise end after Safety first and one line on why no reply is the safer choice.

Do you need to reply

One or two lines.

BIFF reply

The reply in a quote block, ready to send.

Hooks left out

A table: Hook in their message | Why it is left out.

BIFF check

A table: Brief | Informative | Friendly | Firm, each with pass and a short note.

If they escalate

One or two lines.